Suite D'histoire

[CarenHermy]

Here is the second part of my job :

Write the rest of the story (120-180 words -which is too short to me) : Anna had a very special reason for getting up so early the next day, so she set the alarm for 5. I have 198 words so couldd you please tell me what doesn't seem important to you and just notify my mistakes without correcting them. Thank you

Anna had a very special reason for getting up so early the next day, so she set the alarm for 5. Dreaming of becoming an actress since her earliest childhood, she was going in NYC to audition for the shooting of a new blockbuster directed by a famous producer. She considered this event as the most important of the year and this made her thrill every time she was thinking about it.

Reaching the Big Apple, she headed toward the 5th avenue, were set the casting. She was early and once seated, she waited until someone calls her. She looked up but was only able to catch sight of a man so she hurried and followed him.

I front of the cast, she had no choice but being fantastic. As she started performing and all were astonished by her innate way to act and to be in the character’s shoes. She ended, leaving the cast open-mouthed. This director wrote a note and gave her : “04/04/09 - 560 Broadway NYC – 7:00 AM. You were amazing”.

She suddenly felt a rush of relief and left the room more overjoyed than ever, calling her mother to announce the breaking news.

[Jean B]

Hello again,

Anna had a very special reason for getting up so early the next day, so she set the alarm for 5. Dreaming of becoming an actress since her earliest childhood, she was going in NYC to audition for the shooting of a new blockbuster directed by a famous producer. She considered this event as the most important of the year and this made her thrill every time she was thinking about it.

Reaching the Big Apple, she headed towards <the> 5th avenue, were set the casting. She was early and once seated, she waited until someone calls her. She looked up but was only able to catch sight of a man so she hurried and followed him.

I front of the cast, she had no choice but being fantastic. As she started performing and all were astonished by her innate way to act and to be in the character’s shoes. She ended, leaving the cast open-mouthed. This director wrote a note and gave her : “04/04/09 - 560 Broadway NYC – 7:00 AM. You were amazing”.

She suddenly felt a rush of relief and left the room more overjoyed than ever, calling her mother to announce the breaking news.

I think you could easily merge the first two sentences into just one, thus noticeably reducing the overall number of words. For example: "Anna had always dreamt of becoming an actress, so she set the alarm for 5 the next morning", which is 18 words instead of 29. What do you think?

Further down, you could also replace "was ... able to" by "could", that is 1 word instead of 3.

[CarenHermy]

Well your proposition is right but the instructions say to start the story using this initiation : "Anna had a very special reason for getting up so early the next day, so she set the alarm for 5", that's why I assume I cannot switch it.

Otherwise I did some carless mistakes just like "in NYC" ==> TO NYC and I ==> In and "were"==> where (totally stupid, hum)

However I don't know what to change for "calls" and "were set the casting" ==> where was set the audition ?

Thanks for indicating that I could replace "was able to" by could. Of course I knew we could do that but I did not think about it on the fly.

[Jean B]

Regarding this one, I think you meant: "Reaching the Big Apple, she headed towards 5th avenue, where the casting was set", didn't you?

As for that other one, you should've written: "She was early and once seated, she waited until someone called her", thus making the tense agreement.

[CarenHermy]

Regarding this one, I think you meant: "Reaching the Big Apple, she headed towards 5th avenue, where the casting was set", didn't you?

As for that other one, you should've written: "She was early and once seated, she waited until someone called her", thus making the tense agreement.

[Jean B]

Yes, that is what I meant thank you. Thank you for correcting me once again !

[yveslouis]

Hello!

I guess you could suppress "and" in this sentence, replacing it by a comma : "As she started performing and all were astonished by her innate way to act and to be in the character’s shoes."

Yet, 197 words would remain.

Now, you could gain two more words by saying "...she could but be fantastic" instead of "she had no choice but being fantastic"

What do you think?