Correction texte

[Nouvelle75]

Bonjour, 

J'aimerai s'il vous plait que quelqu'un me corrige mon texte, merci d'avance.

Tittle: The money don't make the happiness 
Once upon a time, in a small town of animals, called "Animtown", they are a big competition of animals, who is organized each years. This is specially for each company of animals. This year, Mr. Stephen, the boss of " clothing-accessories society" is going to participate at the competition with his workers: a lion Ryan, a horse Cody, a goat Taylor, a pig Trevor, a donkey Aidan and a hen Kylie. 

We are in summer, there is a beautiful sun that radiates in the all town. Each morning, Mr.Stephan goes to the work but this morning is not like the others. Today, Mr. Stephen goes for the registrations for the big competition. Arrived on the spot, he inscribe his name and go to the society for talking with his employees. 
"My dear friends, some silence please.. Everybody come in front of me ! Today it's the registrations for the competition, the best company of animals. Of course I inscribe the name of our society. We must do our possible for sell a maximum of clothes and accessories, for make a better turnover and win . " 
All the animals shouted with joy. The lion spoke: " my friends the last year we have lost the competition but this year it's a second chance for us, comrades we must not disappoint Mr. Stephan. " 
"Thanks Ryan, you are right. We must win this competition to show that our society is the best. I count on each of you ! All the months, I am going to check which employee has made the best turnover and he will have more 30% of his salary." 
At this announcement, the animals have joined their office and have started to work. We have to know that like humans, animals are thirsty of money. Each animals work of his side from sunrise to sunset. 
During the first months, Mr. Stephan verified the work of each animal. Ryan made the biggest turnover compared to others. So the boss decided to give more 30% for Ryan and less 30% for the salary of others. Mr. Stephan congratulated Ryan and told him to continue. On the other hand, the others( the horse, the donkey and the hen) are jealous and they prepared a plan to remove Ryan because he is strong. 
Cody, Aidan and Kylie decided to empoison Ryan with a peace of meat, that he love. Taylor and Trevor find this idea horrible and they prefer to prevent him. 
So, Ryan decide to kill Cody, Aidan and Kylie because they are a danger for him. He promises to give an part of his salary to Taylor and Trevor if they don't denounce him. Taylor and Trevor approve for the money. 
Some days after.. the boss don't notice the absence of the three employees. His mind is elsewhere, he thinks at the victory, he is certain to win thanks to his best employee Ryan. 
The next day, it's the results ! Mr.Stephan left very early in the morning without his employees and mistake he take his suitcase with him. Maybe he have an idea behind the head ? 
Later, we will learn that he win the competition and 100 000 $. Mr. Stephan fled with the money without sharing the sum with his employees. He has disappeared of Animtown for always. 
This history is now ended. Like written in the tittle the money don't make the happiness and we have seen it. Readers remember the honesty is the best thing and beware when it's question about a important sum of money

[Nouvelle75]

Je vous en supplie c'est important....  

[Jean B]

Bonjour,

Je vais sûrement te décevoir et peut-être même te paraître cruel, ton texte ressemble certes à de l'anglais mais ce n'est qu'en apparence tellement il fourmille de fautes portant, pour la plupart, sur des notions élémentaires normalement apprises en premier cycle de collège. En conséquence, plutôt qu'une correction, il faudrait réécrire ton texte entièrement, ce qui n'est pas mon rôle, désolé. Si quelqu'un d'autre accepte de se lancer dans cette aventure, je n'y vois aucun inconvénient. Bonne chance.

Petit florilège :

- oubli du -s final au présent simple d'un verbe dont le sujet est singulier

- confusion entre "they" et "there"

- emploi de "who" au lieu de "which"

- emplois intempestifs du déterminant "the"

- emploi de for + base verbale

- emploi de "all" au lieu de "every"

- etc. (liste non exhaustive)

Pour couronner le tout, si je puis dire, tu as d'abord écrit ton texte en français avant de le "traduire" en anglais, ce qui est bien entendu la pire méthode qui soit. J'ai beau le répéter sur ce forum, c'est comme si je ...soufflais dans un violon. Sans plus tarder, reprends tes livres et cahiers du collège pour assimiler et maîtriser les bases qui te font défaut actuellement. Sans cela, je crains qu'il n'y ait pas de miracle au bac.

[Nouvelle75]

Tittle: The money don't make the happiness 
Once upon a time, in a small town of animals, called "Animtown", there are a big competition of animals, which is organized each years. This is specially for each company of animals. This year, Mr. Stephen, the boss of " clothings-accessories society" is going to participate in a competition with his workers: a lion Ryan, a horse Cody, a goat Taylor, a pig Trevor, a donkey Aidan and a hen Kylie. 

We are in summer, there is a beautiful sun that radiates in the all town. Each morning, Mr.Stephan goes to the work but this morning is not like the others. Today, Mr. Stephen goes for the registrations, for the big competition. Arrived on the spot, he inscribe his name and go to the society for talking with his employees. 
"My dear friends, some silence please.. Everybody comes around me ! Today it's the registrations for the competition, the best company of animals. Of course I inscribe the name of our society. We must do our possible for sell a maximum of clothes and accessories, to make a better turnover and win . " 
Every animals shouted with joy. The lion speaks: " my friends the last year we have lost the competition but this year it's a second chance for us, comrades we must not disappoint Mr. Stephan. " 
"Thanks Ryan, you are right. We must win this competition to show that our society is the best. I count on each of you ! Every months, I am going to check which employee made the best turnover and he will have more 30% of his salary." 
At this announcement, animals have joined their office and have started to work. We have to know that like humans, animals are thirsty of money. Each animals works of their side from sunrise to sunset. 
During the first months, Mr. Stephan verified the work of each animal. Ryan made the biggest turnover compared to others. So the boss decided to give more 30% for Ryan and less 30% for others. Mr. Stephan congratulated Ryan and told him to continue. On the other hand, the others( the horse, the donkey and the hen) are jealous and they prepared  a plan to remove Ryan because he is strong. 
Cody, Aidan and Kylie decided to empoison Ryan with a peace of meat, that he like it. Taylor and Trevor finds this idea horrible and they prefer to prevent him. 
So, Ryan decide to kill Cody, Aidan and Kylie because they are a danger for him. He promises to give an part of his salary to Taylor and Trevor if they don't denounce him. Taylor and Trevor approves for the money. 
Some days after.. the boss don't notice the absence of the three employees. His mind is elsewhere, he thinks at the victory, he is certain to win thanks to his best employee, Ryan. 
The next day, it's the day of results ! Mr.Stephan left very early at the morning without his employees and mistake he takes his suitcase with him. Maybe he have an idea behind the head ? 
Later, we will learn that his society win the competition and 100 000 $. Mr. Stephan fled with the money without sharing the sum with his employees. He have disappeared of Animtown for always. 
This history is now ended. Like written in the tittle, the money don't make the happiness and we have seen it. Readers, remember that the honesty is the best thing and beware when it's question about a important sum of money.

[Jean B]

Bon, je m'étais fait violence et j'étais prêt à te corriger mais puisque tu t'es contentée d'un simple copié-collé sans apporter la moindre correction en t'aidant de mes remarques, ce sera sans moi. Ce n'est pas en venant simplement demander une correction sur le forum que tu pourras faire le moindre progrès.

[Nouvelle75]

Bien sur que si j'ai corriger  fais un copier coller mais en corrigeant !! Regarder par vous même déjà dès la première phrase j'ai changé les who en which j'ai mis des s changer des pharses , je trouve ça injuste de si vite juger lisez le et je vous assure que j'ai fais l’effort de corriger et j'ai pris du temps 

Et puis j'ai vu dans un autre poste que vous avez corriger le texte d'une personne mais tant pis j'aurais une mauvaise note comme d'habitude, je trouve juste que c'est injuste car certes j'ai fais un copier coller MAIS EN CORRIGEANT mes fautes et en prenant en compte votre remarque !!

[Jean B]

Le 29/2/2016 at 15:41, Nouvelle75 a dit :

...certes j'ai fais un copier coller MAIS EN CORRIGEANT mes fautes et en prenant en compte votre remarque !! Vraiment ?

Alors je vais te démontrer que tu n'as pas corrigé grand chose mais accorde-moi le temps nécessaire.

[Nouvelle75]

J'essaye de faire de mon mieux oui les langues ne sont pas mon fort mais j'essaye vraiment

Essayer ne suffira pas.  Tu n'as pas renseigné ta classe actuelle dans ton profil mais j'imagine que tu es en première ou peut-être même en terminale. Si c'est le cas, tu vas droit au casse-pipe. Sans plus tarder, mets en pratique les conseils que j'ai écrits dans ma première réponse, inscris-toi sur anglaisfacile.com et mets à profit toutes les ressources de ce site fantastique en y travaillant  1  heure par jour jusqu'en juin prochain, tu ne le regretteras pas. Bon courage.

[Jean B]

Tittle: The money don't make doesn't bring the happiness 
Once upon a time, in a small town of animals, called "Animtown", there are was a big competition of animals which is was organized each years every year. This is was specially for each every company of animals. This year, Mr. Stephen, the boss of " clothings-accessories society" is was going to participate in a competition with his workers: a lion Ryan, a horse Cody, a goat Taylor, a pig Trevor, a donkey Aidan and a hen Kylie. <Un récit, à plus forte raison un conte, se fait au passé.

We are in It was summer time, there is a beautiful sunshine that radiated in the all over the town. Each Every morning, Mr.Stephan goes used to go to the work but this morning is was not like the others. Today, Mr. Stephen goes was going for the registrations, for to registrate register for the big competition. Arrived Once on the spot, he inscribe signed his name and go walked to the society company offices for talking to talk with his employees. < Le but s'exprime par to/in order to + base verbale
"My dear friends, some silence be quiet please Everybody comes around get close to me! Today it's the is registration day for to the competition, the best company of animals. Of course I inscribe have written down the name of our society company. We must do our possible best for to sell a maximum of clothes and accessories, to make a better turnover and win . " 
Every All the animals shouted with joy. The lion speaks spoke: " my friends the last year we have lost the competition but this year it's a second chance for us, comrades we must not disappoint Mr. Stephan. " 
"Thanks Ryan, you are right. We must win this competition to show that our society company is the best. I count on each of you! Every months, I am going to check which employee made the best turnover and he will get/have more a 30% bonus on his salary." 
At this announcement, animals have joined went back to their offices and have started to work. We have to know that like humans, animals are thirsty of greedy for money. Each All the animals works worked of their side from sunrise to sunset. 
During the first months, Mr. Stephan verified ckecked the work of each animal. Ryan made the biggest turnover compared to others. So the boss decided to give more 30% for pay Ryan 30% more and less 30% for give the others 30% less. Mr. Stephan congratulated Ryan and told him to continue. On the other hand, the others( the horse, the donkey and the hen) are were jealous and they prepared  a plan to remove Ryan because he is was strong. 
Cody, Aidan and Kylie decided to empoison Ryan with a peace of meat that he like it liked. Taylor and Trevor finds thought this idea was horrible and so they prefer chose to prevent him from doing so. 
So, Ryan decided to kill Cody, Aidan and Kylie because they are were a danger for to him. He promised to give Taylor and Trevor a part of his salary to if they don't didn't denounce him. Taylor and Trevor approved for the money. 
Some days after later the boss don't didn't notice the absence of the three employees. His mind is was elsewhere, he thinks thought at about the victory, he is was certain to win thanks to his best employee, Ryan. 
The next day it's the day of was results day! Mr.Stephan left < Tiens, un prétérit enfin ! very early at in the morning without his employees and mistake <??? he takes took his suitcase with him. Maybe May he have had an idea behind the at the back of his head? 
Later we will learn learnt that his society company win won the competition and 100 000 $. Mr. Stephan fled with the money without sharing the sum with his employees. He have disappeared of from Animtown for always ever.
This history is now ended. Like written in the tittle, the money don't make the doesn't bring happiness and so we have seen it saw. Readers, remember that the honesty is the best thing and beware when it's a matter/question about of a an important sum of money.

Ouf !

[Nouvelle75]

Oui je vais faire ça vu que l'anglais est très important  merci beaucoup JRB