Correction d'une rédaction

[mariemarie]

Bonjour, j'aimerais de l'aide concernant ma rédaction en anglais. En effet j'aimerais seulement que l'on jette un coup d'oeil et que l'on m'aide a corriger mes fautes..Le sujet porte sur le rêve américain.

"It’s not an easy question to answer. The american dream is the reason why the whole country exists. It’s the reason why first migrants have begun to come in USA and it’s the reason why they continue to do it. It reminds me off that it’s quite important to define, first of all, the american dream. This idea came from the declaration of independence of the United States. Indeed, this idea of « the rights of the freedom and the search for the happiness » became the foundation for the concept American Dream. In addition, the american dream is the idea that if you work hard, you could obtain the success witch you deserve. First I’m going to talk about « Yes, the american dream is still alive », Secondly, «  No, the american isn’t still american ».If the American dream is not dead (but it’s not thanks to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West). To illustrate my point, i’m going to take for example the report, that we heard in class, on Ellis Island and the immigrants. Indeed, if the american dream was dead, all the immigrants stop to go over there, it’s quite logical for me. The statue of Liberty in New York symbolizes the idea of American dream for thousands of migrants come by the Atlantic interface. Moreover, the american dream is still alive, because , nowadays, America have an important influence on all the cultures from all of the world. The influence of «the american way of life» . Indeed, french girls are fascinated by the way of life of the actresses from GossipGirl for instance. They try to reproduced their life daily. Lastly, we can say that the american dream is still alive. At first, Barack Obama is a child of the American dream and, so, a witness of its possible realization. Therefor, the election of Barack Obama increased the globalization of the American dream. So when people have this example daily, they can only believe in the americain dream.Conversely, if the american dream is not still alive. I think that the American dream does not exist any more today because today the life in the United States is very difficult compared with 1980s. Since the economic crisis touched the United States and the whole world, the life is not any more the same. That was we see in classroom with the great depression and the great Gatsby. Today, it is very hard to live in good conditions in America if we lack money. Besides, because of the economic crisis, the unemployment is in sharp rise and it is from now on very hard to find some work if we not made good studies. For the persons being born poor, it is almost impossible to climb the levels of the social ladder unless dashing into traffics illegal as the drug while the American dream is made leave the bottom of the social ladder to arrive at the very top starting from scratch, what very difficult today. Since 1850, the United States are a democracy and respect the rights of the man, what means that people are born equal, but there is a lot of racism, president Obama was the target of some murder by racists because he is black. More black high school students were killed at the release of their school. For me the American dream died today. If we take for instance the great Gatsby, many people think that Gatsby’s dream is a corruption of the american dream. Finally, let the cat out of the bag… We can’t, I can’t, nobody can’t answer subjectively at this question. Yes, there are thousands of success stories that can inspire each of us to do more and try to excel, like Marc ZUCKERBERG. But there also many negative factors as for this concept of the american dream.So, we can’t answer a this question. My feeling is that the american dream is still alive despite all the negative factors. 

[Jean B]

Bonjour,

"It’s not an easy question to answer. The American dream is the reason why the whole country exists.< Majuscule à tous les adjectifs de nationalités It’s the reason why first migrants have begun began to come in the USA and it’s the reason why they continue to do it so.< Selon toi, à quand remonte l'arrivée des premiers migrants ? // the USA  It reminds me off that, first of all, it’s quite important to define, first of all, the american  dream. < Le COD doit venir derrière  le verbe This idea came from the declaration of independence of the United States. Indeed, this idea of « the rights of the freedom and the search for the happiness » became the foundation for the American Dream concept. <omission de "the" devant un nom employé dans la généralité. Quelle liberté ? Quel bonheur ? In addition, the american  dream is the idea that if you work hard, you could can obtain the success witch which you deserve. < witch = sorcière First I’m going to talk about « Yes, the american  dream is still alive », Secondly, «  No, the american  isn’t still american  ».If the American dream is not dead (but it’s not thanks to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West). To illustrate my point, i’m going to take for example the report that we heard in class on Ellis Island and the immigrants. Indeed, if the american  dream was dead, all the immigrants would stop to go going over there, it’s quite logical for me.< Attention à cette faute fréquente : to stop + to + BV  sth = s'arrêter pour faire qqch  <vs> to stop + v-ing = s'arrêter de faire qqch The statue of Liberty in New York symbolizes the idea of the American dream for thousands of migrants come by the Atlantic interface. < C'est-à-dire ?  Moreover, the american  dream is still alive, because America have has nowadays an important influence on all the cultures from all of over the world. The influence of «the american  way of life» . Indeed, french girls are fascinated by the way of life of the actresses from Gossip Girl for instance. They try to reproduced their life daily lives. < L'adjectif DEVANT le nom Lastly, we can say that the american  dream is still alive. At first, Barack Obama is a child of the American dream and, so, a witness of its possible realization. Therefore, the election of Barack Obama increased the globalization of the American dream. So when people have this daily example, they can only believe in the americain  dream.Conversely, if the american  dream is not still alive. I think that the American dream does not exist any more today because today the life living in the United States is very difficult compared with the 1980s. Since the economic crisis touched the United States and the whole world, the life is not the same any more/no longer the same. That was we see is what we saw in class with The Great Depression and The Great Gatsby. Today, it is very hard to live in good conditions in America if we lack money. Besides, because of the economic crisis, the unemployment is in sharp rise and it is from now on very hard to find some work if we not made good studies haven't been properly educated. For the persons people being who were born poor, it is almost impossible to climb up the levels of the social ladder unless dashing into traffics drug trafficking. as the drug Nouvelle phrase> While To most people though, the American dream is made leave means leaving the bottom of the social ladder to arrive at reach the very top starting from scratch, what which is very difficult today. < Si j'ai compris ce que tu as voulu dire ! // Après la virgule, le relatif which résume la proposition précédente = ce qui Since 1850, the United States are has been a democracy and respects the rights of the man, what which means that people are born equal, but there is a lot of racism.< Bien qu'au nombre de 50, les  États-Unis doivent être considérés comme un seul état, une seule nation, un seul pays = verbe au singulier. C'est à mémoriser.// Present perfect avec since puisqu'il y a lien/prolongement passé-présent.  Nouvelle phrase> President Obama was the target of some murder attempts by racists because he is black. More black high school students were killed at the release when getting out of their schools. For me the American dream died today. If we take for instance the Great Gatsby, many people think that Gatsby’s dream is a corruption of the american  dream. Finally, let the cat out of the bag… We can’t, I can’t, nobody can’t objectively answer subjectively at this question. < Attention à cette erreur : 2 négations équivalent à une affirmation //  Plutôt répondre objectivement, non ? Yes, there are thousands of success stories that can inspire each of us to do more and try to excel, like Marc Zuckerberg. But there also many negative factors as for this concept of the american  dream. So we can’t answer a this question. My feeling is that the american  dream is still alive despite all the negative factors. 

NB Sauf erreur, tu as employé "American dream" 19 fois ! Fallait le faire, tu l'as fait !  Bien que je n'intervienne jamais sur le fond, je remarque que ta "démonstration" est assez confuse. Côté grammaire, revois en priorité les règles d'emploi/omission du déterminant "the". Il ne s'emploie pas aussi systématiquement que nos "le/la/les". C'est à maîtriser pour le bac. Bonne continuation.