Ecriture d'histoire pour Halloween

[Mhyri]

Bonjour à tous!
J'ai un devoir à faire pour la rentrée, des "points faciles" comme dit le prof, sauf que je suis nulle pour écrire une histoire donc pas si facile pour moi. Je mise donc sur mon anglais pour avoir des points. Je n'ai pas encore fini mais voilà ce que j'ai écrit pour l'instant, serait-il possible d'avoir de l'aide? Je pense changer quelques choses (et finir) car je trouve l'histoire vraiment "plate" pour l'instant!

My name is Brook and I spent 4 years at Findhorn, in Scotland. I decided to witness because this story is a burden.
I met John in april 2003 at an Edinburgh's conference. We quickly felt in love and in july 2006 we made the decision to buy a house together. Then we found this old manor to renovate.
On february 2007, renovation was over, we could move. We spent all of our money on new furniture and decoration. A new life started for us and we havn't choice, we had to live there because we havn't money anymore.
Here the story starts. The first night, we awoke at midnight because we heard baby's crying. The nightmarish sound seemed to be so near. However we didn't know our neighbour yet, there could be an infant in the neighborhood. I took some sleeping pills and came back into the bed with John.
In the morning, no baby's crying, a normal day in a normal city. But it started again at midnight over and over. It lasted one full week, cries becoming increasingly oppressive. Therefore, one night we decided to search the house when it started again.
Midnight, the disturbing sound of cries rang out. After a long walk arround the rooms, we understood it wasn't from this floor, it came from the attic. Unbelievable? I thank too. John climbed a ladder to see. He was here, a little infant in white sheets where it were embroidering "Edmund, 1847-1848". I took him into my arms, he stopped crying and smiled. I didn't had kids at time but I wanted, so I was delighted to take care of him all the night.
The next day, John came to the police station and there were no kid's disappearance. Someone should let him on our attic but who and how? Since how many times he's here? So much question without answer! I decided to meet my neighbours and ask them if they knew Edmund, I called him Edmund because of the seet.
Thus, I firstly met my nearest neighbour, a 50 years old man who couldn't tell me anything. The same for the 3 next. Then I met an elderly woman who asked me where I live when I said her that I found Edmund on my attic. She repplied "You should have think about it when you bought this house!" shuting the door in my face. It was really upsetting.
One month later, we havn't news about kid's search. We were on january and Edmund was like a son for us.
On this coldest night, I heard him crying like he never did before, his tears was so harrowing. He seemed to be horrified and I was so scared, what was happening? John called the doctor, when he arrived it was too late. He declared a Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, I was taken by a strong feeling of wrath and sorrow. Edmund was a gift and they're taken him to me back. (ils me l'ont reppris?)
The night following Edmund's death, I heard baby's crying on the attic, I thank I was going mad. Nevertheless John heard it too. We came where we found Edmund, at one meter there were a box.

 

Merci!

[Jean B]

Bonjour,

My name is Brook and I spent 4 years at Findhorn in Scotland. I have decided to witness give my testimony because the story I am going to tell is a burden to me.
I met John in April 2003 at an Edinburgh's conference.< Le génitif est impossible. We quickly felt fell in love and in July 2006 we made the decision to buy a house together.< to feel/felt/felt et to fall/fell/fallen n'ont rien à voir l'un avec l'autre. Révise sérieusement les verbes irréguliers que tu DOIS connaître tous par coeur. Then we found this old manor to renovate which needed to be renovated.
In February 2007, renovation was over, we could move in. We spent all of our money on new furniture and decoration. A new life started for us and we havn't choice, had no other choice than live there because we havn't money anymore had no more money. < Attention à bien respecter la concordance des temps.
Here the story starts. The first night, we awoke at midnight because we heard baby's crying. The nightmarish sound seemed to be so near. However we didn't know our neighbour yet, there could be an infant in the neighborhood. I swallowed/had/took some sleeping pills and came went back into the bed with John.
In the morning, no baby's crying, a normal day in a normal city. But it started again at midnight over and over. It lasted one full week, cries becoming increasingly oppressive. Therefore, one night we decided to search the house when it started again.
Midnight, the disturbing sound of cries rang out. After a long walk arround the rooms, we understood it wasn't from this floor, it came from the attic. Unbelievable? I thank thought so too. <Ici encore, to thank (régulier) n'a rien à voir avec to think/thought/thought. Relis-toi. John climbed up a ladder to see. He was here, a little infant wrapped up in a white sheet where it were embroidering on which "Edmund, 1847-1848" was embroidered. I took him into my arms, he stopped crying and smiled. I didn't had have kids at the time but I wanted to, so I was delighted to take care of him all the night. < C'est l'auxiliaire qui est le marqueur du temps, le verbe reste dans sa forme base (infinitif sans to). C'est une règle élémentaire qui s'applique aux formes négative et interrogative.
The next day, John came went to the police station and there were no kid's disappearance had been reported. Someone should have left him on our attic but who and how? Since how many times he's here How long had he been there? < = Depuis combien de temps était-il là ? So much many questions without an answer! I decided to meet my neighbours and ask them if they knew Edmund, I called him Edmund because of the sheet.
Thus I firstly met my nearest neighbour, a 50 year-old man who couldn't tell me anything. The same for the next 3. Then I met an elderly woman who asked me where I lived when I said told her that I found Edmund on my attic. She replied "You should have think thought about it when you bought this house!" shutting the door in my face. < Encore une erreur de construction d'un temps composé. It was really upsetting.
One month later, we hadn't news about the kid's search. We were in January and Edmund was like a son for us. <Les noms des mois prennent une majuscule, mémorise-le.
On this coldest night, I heard him crying like he never did before, his tears was were so harrowing. He seemed to be horrified and I was so scared, what was happening? John called the doctor, when he arrived it was too late. He declared a Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, I was taken by a strong feeling of wrath and sorrow. Edmund was a gift and they're taken him to me back he had been taken from me. (ils me l'ont repris?) < Ignorant qui peuvent bien être "ils", mieux vaut employer la tournure passive.
The night following Edmund's death, I heard baby's crying on the attic, I thank thought I was going mad. Nevertheless John heard it too. We came climbed upstairs to the place where we found Edmund, at lying one meter away there were was a box. <To comme come et go, il est tout à fait anormal que tu confondes l'emploi de was/were ! Relis-toi car ça ressemble fort à du manque d'attention.

Je dirais "ce n'est pas mal" si la lecture de ton texte ne me donnait l'impression que tu l'as écrit "au fil de la plume". Pour autant, ceci ne t'exonère pas de toutes les fautes commises. Des révisions s'imposent ! Bonne continuation.