Lettre au maire de Dharavi

[hilku]

Salut, je dois faire un devoir en anglais pour la rentrée, je dois écrire une lettre.

 

Write a letter to the mayor of mumbai. Explain what your living conditions in Dharavi slum are. Write about the hopes you had when you left your countryside. Suggest him a few ideas to improve the slum. (200 words)

 

Ce que j'ai fait 

 

I am writing to inform you of my living conditions in Dharavi slum. I live in a insalubrious tiny hut made of sheet metal and canvas cover, and there are no water, electricity and windows for ventilation. Sanitary conditions are dreadful, there are open - air sewers where rats and mosquitos proliferate. Lanes are narrow and muddy, without coating and pavement. But like all inhabitants of this slum I hope one day I left this slum for a new life in an other country. Have a house with a real roof above my head is my single dream for me and my family. 

 

Comme vous pouvez remarquer, je n'ai pas respecteré toute la consigne. Pouvez-vous m'aider s'il vous plaît ?

 

[Jean B]

Bonsoir,

Avec 103 mots, tu n'es qu'à mi-chemin en effet !  Efforce-toi de développer un peu plus tes arguments, ils sont bons, tu vas y arriver.

>>> quels étaient tes espoirs quand tu as quitté ta campagne ? Tu ne parles que de la maison. Développe !

>>> fais quelques suggestions au maire pour améliorer le bidonville.

I am writing to inform you of my living conditions in Dharavi slum. I live in an insalubrious tiny hut made of metal sheet and canvas cover, and there are no water, electricity and windows for ventilation. Sanitary conditions are dreadful, there are open-air sewers where rats and mosquitoes proliferate. Lanes are narrow and muddy, without coating and pavement. But like all inhabitants of this slum I hope one day I left can leave this slum for a new life in another country. I dream of having my own house  with a real roof above my head is my single dream for me and my family.

 

[hilku]

Merci pour votre aide, j'ai pu finir mon devoir en faisant des recherches. 

I am writing to inform you about my living conditions in Dharavi slum. I live in an insalubrious tiny hut made of sheet metal and canvas cover. There are not water, electricity and windows for ventilation.

And most importantly there is no sanitary installation. The overpopulation is really present in this slum, and it increases the spreading of diseases.  The lanes are narrow and muddy, without coating and pavement. Sanitary conditions are dreadful, there are open - air sewers where rats proliferate. 

But like all inhabitants of this slum I want to better future. I hope one day I can leave this slum for a new life in another country. I dream of having my own house with a real roof above my head for me and my family.

For the improvement of the slum, first of all, I suggest you to improve the surfacing of grounds. But the most important you have to improve for the health of the people is the running water in all the slum and the sewage network. Then, you will be able to build tenements for people living in Dharavi slum. Afterwards, you can also help these people by paying them allowances to improve their living conditions and seeing the poverty decline.  

 Y'a t-il des erreurs de syntaxe ou autre ? 

Je viens de me rendre compte que je n'avais pas bien compris la consigne car comme tu l'a dit, il faut que je parle des espoirs que j'avais quand j'ai quitté le bidonville or ce n'est pas se que j'ai fait, je parle des espoirs que j'ai de quitter ce bidonville. 

[Jean B]

L'outil statistiques de Word donne cette fois 208 mots avant correction, c'est bien.

I am writing to inform you about my living conditions in Dharavi slum. I live in an insalubrious tiny hut made of sheet metal and canvas cover. There are not water, electricity and windows for ventilation.

And most importantly there is no sanitary installation. The overpopulation is really present in this slum, and it increases the spreading of diseases.  The lanes are narrow and muddy, without coating and pavement. Sanitary conditions are dreadful, there are open-air sewers where rats proliferate. 

But like all inhabitants of this slum I want to better my future. I hope one day I can leave this slum for a new life in another country. I dream of having my own house with a real roof above my head for me and my family.

For the improvement of/To improve/ the slum, first of all, I suggest you to improve the surfacing of  should have the ground surfaced with asphalt or concrete. But the most important you have to improve for the health of the people is the running water in all the slum and the sewage network. Then you will be able to build tenements for people living in Dharavi slum. Afterwards, you can also help these people by paying them allowances to improve their living conditions and seeing the poverty decline.  

Je viens de me rendre compte que je n'avais pas bien compris la consigne car comme tu l'a dit, il faut que je parle des espoirs que j'avais quand j'ai quitté le bidonville or ce n'est pas sce que j'ai fait, je parle des espoirs que j'ai de quitter ce bidonville. 

Alors indique-les ces espoirs dès après la première phrase d'introduction, le contraste avec les conditions de vie réelles n'en sera que plus saisissant et supprime le 3ème paragraphe.