Récit A Corriger

[Invité nata06]

 Bonjour, je dois faire un essay pour conclusion du chapitre durant lequel nous avons travailler sur le discours rapporté. D'après d'un texte étudié en classe, relatant l'histoire d'une émigrante chinoise qui découvre les Etats-Unis avec la fille de la famille(Wendy) qui l'accueille. Nous devons donc reprendre ce contenu mais l'adapter cette fois-ci au point de vue de la mère de Wendy. J'ai donc écrit un petit récit à la 3ème personne du singulier.

 

   Few months ago, Wendy and her mom, named Kate, decided to welcome a china girl, named Lan, to be confront new cultures... Then, the evening, after Lan's first day in US, Kate spoke with his husband about what said her daughter few minutes ago. Indeed, Wendy told her all what happened during Lan's first day.

   Thus, Kate began tell to her husband that Lan looked shy because she didn't say anything when she was with Wendy. Kate was so astonished since Lan only spoke when Wendy had asked her some questions. Kate thought either she might be shy or she might be scared that people laughed at her. After all, she admitted thant Lan came from China, therefore there all was so different; morover it was her first day. "By the way, she must be courageous to come here alone!", she affirmed to her husband. All the same, she declared Wendy said her that she had been very polite and cheerful.

    However, Kate said, laughing, that was amusing and interesting to hear how Wendy has described the reaction of Lan when she discovered Boston. In fact, Kate said :" Wendy said me that she was totally surprised and stupefied when she have discovered Boston. she didn't understand why American people are in hurry all the time whereas in China, people are more relaxed. Lan thought also that american children are too talkative compared in Japan. Besides, she was amazed when she saw people drive one-handed some of them even talk on their cellphone , and lot of others things...". Kate affirmed to her husband that Lan has these behavior due to different cultures , lifestyle and state of mind which may exist between China and US. Therefore, Kate thought ,sometimes these differences of perceptions might be funny. That's why, when she said at her husband that Lan was dumbfounded seeing men's gallantry with women, they laughed because for them that's natural. Or still, Kate found interesting when Lan was surprised when she has seen they dined in front of the television or when Wendy has used her cellphones before sleep.

    Nevertheless, Kate thought it was normal in the begining that Lan reacted like that. Morover it was her first day, thus, gradually she had to accustomed live there. Finally, she concludes saying that this experience is very interesting for Lan but also for them, since they discovered two opposed cultures and perceptions, and learnt new things. Thus, for Kate, Lan will have, bit by bit, lot of thing to say.

 

Voici mon récit, j'aimerais une correction du vocabulaire utilisé mais également sur la syntaxe. Merci d'avance

 

 

 

[Ezehkiel Jones]

Hello ! Voilà une correction:

 

 A few months ago, Wendy and her mom, named (pas nécessaire) Kate, decided to welcome a China girl, named whose name is (named est correct mais à éviter) Lan, in order to (= afin de / pour une meilleure transition, c'est toujours bon à placer) be confronted with a new cultures (il me semble qu'une seule fille est accueillie, donc une seule culture, non ?)... Then, on the evening, after Lan's first day in THE (habitant moi-même aux US, je tiens beaucoup à ce que "the" ne soit pas oublié. N'oublie pas qu'on parle de "The United Stated") US, Kate spoke with his her husband about what their (s'il s'agit bien de leur fille à tous les deux) daughter said a few minutes ago. Indeed, Wendy told her all what that had happened during Lan's first day.

   Therefore (mieux que thus dans le contexte), Kate began to tell to (to tell somebody) her husband that Lan looked shy because she didn't say anything when she was with Wendy. Kate was so surprised (astonished bien trop fort) since Lan had spoken when Wendy had asked her some questions ("depuis que Lan avait parlé quand Wendy lui posa quelque question". Il me semble que c'est la bonne syntaxe en français. C'est pareil en anglais.) . Kate thought she was either shy or scared (tu cherches à faire trop compliqué, ce qui fausse tes constructions) that people laughed (Elle avait peur que les gens se moquent d'elle. Et non mais qu'ils se moquaient d'elle.) at her. After all, she admitted that Lan came from China. Everything was different over there. (tout était différent là-bas. C'est simple, on comprend où l'on veut en venir, et ça évite les constructions trop longues et trop complexes.) Plus, (un peu informel, mais tellement plus authentique.) it was her first day. "By the way, she must be courageous to come here alone!", she exclaimed to her husband. All the same, she declared Wendy said her that she had been very polite and cheerful. (J'ai du mal à saisir cette phrase, que voulais-tu dire ?)

    However, Kate, laughing, said it was amusing and interesting to hear how Wendy had described the reaction of Lan when she discovered Boston. In fact, Kate said :" Wendy told me that she was totally surprised and stupefied when she have had discovered Boston. She didn't understand why American people lived in the fast lane (une expression qui décrit fidèlement notre mode de vie. Celui des américains. C'est-à-dire une vie "rapide", où l'on prend ses décisions sur le moment même, où l'on vit à 100 à l'heure.) whereas in China, people are more relaxed. Lan thought also that American children are too talkative compared with the Japanese ones. Besides, she was amazed when she saw people drivring one-handed, some of them even talking on their cellphone, and lots more...". Kate affirmed to her husband that Lan had this behavior (un seul comportement, non ?) because of the different cultures, lifestyles and states of mind which may exist  (inutile et maladroit) between China and the US. Therefore, Kate thought these differences in perceptions were quite funny sometimes. (étaient plutôt drôles parfois.) That's why, when she told her husband that Lan was stunned (dumbfounded/dumbstrucl/flabbergasted... vraiment trop forts pour le contexte) seeing men's gallantry with women, they laughed because that's natural to them. Or even, Kate found interesting when (étrange, mais pourquoi pas, je ne suis pas un as de la reformulation alors je laisse comme ça, peut-être que quelqu'un repassera derrière moi.) Lan had been surprised to see they dine watching television or Wendy uses her cellphone before sleeping.

    Nevertheless, Kate thought it was normal, in the beginning, that Lan reacted like that. Morover (c'est bien les link words, mais quand il y en a trop, c'est vraiment...trop!) It was her first day. She had to get used to living there. Finally, she concluded by saying that this experience was very interesting for Lan but also for them. They discovered a different culture with different perceptions, and learnt new things. To Kate's mind, Lan will have, bit by bit, a lot of things to say.

 

Beaucoup d'erreurs dis-moi ! Ca n'a vraiment pas été simple de m'y retrouver et j'y ai même peut-être laisser des erreurs.

Alors je dirais qu'avant tout, ton erreur principale a été de traduire au mot par mot. Et c'est exactement ce qu'il ne faut pas faire !

Je pense que tu devrais revoir l'organisation de ton argumentation, éviter d'utiliser trop de link-words, essayer de faire des phrases simples, c'est toujours plus efficace, plutôt que chercher à faire des choses trop compliquées et faire des erreurs. 

Revois également les temps, et BANNIS LES TRADUCTEURS ONLINE. (seulement pour des mots, certainement pas pour des phrases)

 

Au travail et bonnes révisions!

 

[Ezehkiel Jones]

Hi !

 

Si jamais tu repasse par là, ce que j'espère parce-que j'apprécierais tout de même un remerciement, j'ai oublié une faute au début, lorsque tu écris "China girl", c'est en fait "chinese girl". (China=Pays / Chinese=Nationalité)