Besoin Correction. Merci.

[Walk'n]

Bonjour à tous,

J'ai fait un texte en Anglais (à la demande de mon professeur) et j'aimerai si c'est possible que vous me le corrigiez.

Merci d'avance.

Texte:

Nowadays, we live in a system where the limits of the personal freedoms evolved. Health, safety and solidarity are magic words.

In the field of the health, through an intention hygienist aiming at the information of the population about the danger which presents behavior such as to drink or to smoke, we end in the formation of new groups of persons. These persons are then considered as a danger for the other individuals what leads to their exclusion from the system.

Furthermore, the security became a recurring subject. Indeed, the individuals wish to end in an abolition of the incurred risks. Each owes concern a critical glance and a reviewer the others. So the collective takes him on the individual.

Finally, the solidarity does not consist any more by means of those who are in the need, but aim at watching that the other citizens stay in the standard both in the universe of the health and the security.

In a system where the individualism prevails, the collective thus returns in strength. Each has to merge thus today in the mould imposed by the system. The respect for the collective standard takes him on the personal freedoms.

Merci d'avance pour tous ceux qui prendront le temps de me corriger.

[Jean B]

Bonsoir,

Nowadays, we live in a system where the limits of personal freedom have evolved. Health, safety and solidarity are magic words.

In the field of health, through an hygiene intention aiming at informing the population about the dangers which a behavior such as drinking or smoking presents, we end in the formation of new groups of people. These people are then considered as a danger to the other individuals, which leads to their exclusion from the system.<Phrase tarabiscotée et trop visiblement calquée sur le français. Elle gagnerait à être simplifiée.

Furthermore, security has become a recurring subject. Indeed, individuals wish to see the end of <(?) an abolition of the incurred risks. [Each owes concern a critical glance and a reviewer the others.]< Ça n'a pas de sens. [so the collective takes him on the individual.]<Pas davantage

[Finally, the solidarity does not consist any more by means of those who are in the need, but aim at watching that the other citizens stay in the standard both in the universe of the health and the security.] <Incompréhensible.

In a system where individualism prevails, altruism <(?) thus returns in force. So everyone has to merge today in the mould imposed by the system. [The respect for the collective standard takes him on the personal freedoms.] <???

- Les noms abstraits, pris au sens général, ne sont pas précédés de l'article défini.

- Tes phrases sont pour la plupart calquées sur le français et, de ce fait, ne « tiennent pas la route ». Au risque de me tromper, j'irais même jusqu'à dire qu'elles dégagent un relent de traducteur automatique.

- Certaines sont pour moi carrément incompréhensibles. Désolé de ne pouvoir faire mieux.