Demande de correction "spaces and exchanges"

[mily3]

Bonjour, voici mon oral de bac en anglais sur la notion spaces and exchanges, pourriez-vous m'aider à la corriger?

Intro :

I'm going to talk about the notion of Spaces and exchanges. To begin,I am going to give a definition . The notion of spaces and exchanges defines the movement of person, population or goods between countries. The different spaces of the world are nowadays more and more connected to each other. An exchange is the act to give and to receive something else. The exchanges can appear on many forms: people, trade, information. The interactions between people of various cultures and the exchanges became easier. But it was not still the case. The immigration is linked to this notion as it implies the motion of legal and illegal people to other countries.

Thus we could wonder if is the American dream still alive ? We will focus on the first case of immigration : « pilgrims father » and the immigration in XX century with study of Ellis Island

In a first part we can include both documents which we are going to study in the theme in search of the American dream

First, we studied a document video entitled « origins of a festival » . We have seen that in 1620, a group of people called the Pilgrims fathers sailed from Plymouth in England accross the Atlantic ocean, on a ship called the May flower. They left England ecause of religious and politicals persecutions. After 66 days trips, they arrived on their new home qu'ils appellent New England. Indians helped them to survive,they show to grow,fishing,hunting and planting.During the next winter,many Pilgrimms died.Yet, in the spring, thanks to the Indians, they celebrated their first harvest by having a thanksgiving dinner with their friendly Indians.It was the first thanksgiving. Today,the date of thanksgiving is the fourth Tursday in November in USA.They came in America with the hope of a better life, they have found « the dream american » of the time.

 

The second document is a picture in black and white of family of immigrants, her names is Ellis island, the island of hope.They belong probably to Ellis Island at the time of the photo. Ellis island is the island of hope,. The family looks at the statue of liberty because it's the symbole of liberty. We don't see their face, all immigrants can see themselve in this family. Ellis Isalnd is located on the Hudson river, next to liberty Isalnd in New York. At the turn of the twentieth century, many immigrants went through Ellis Island. They were fleeing from poverty, religious and political persecution so that's why the United States were considered as land of opportunity. On arrival at Ellis Island, passengers were checked and sorted out and they underwent medical tests.

 

In a second part, we talking about the immigrant life.

The third document is an article appeared in the New York time of Jose Vargas. He is an immigrant, he tells his story. He is from the Philippines and arrived in America when he was twelve years old and he lived to his grand parents. He came in America for a new life. When he was fourteen years old, he rode his driving licence and he found out his green card was fake . Indeed his grand father purchased it to beleive that Vargas had the american cityzenship. Vargas was undocumented, he live in constant fear.

 

As a conclusion

The « American dream » is a term which originally referred to the belief that, in America, one could have access to fundamental liberties,climb the social ladder and achieve prosperity through hard work, courage and determination.

Today the american dream still alive If we consider the growing numbers of people who are ready to risk their live trying to cross American borders so as to enter the USA. Illegally, or those who repeatedly subscribe to the government's annual lottery hoping to gt a green card to be able to work and make it in the USA, we can only acknowledge the fact that America is still considered as a promised land by millions of desperate ones all over the world. To the down-and-out Mexicans, to the needy Filipinos, to the world's have-nots, the USA is still an El Dorado where everything is possible.

However, I am well aware that a dream can also be an illusion. The USA's economic growth still enables a handful of lucky ones to achieve wealth, but for a few winners, how many losers ?

[Jean B]

Bonsoir,

C'est fou le nombre d'élèves de terminale qui persistent à écrire in extenso un laïus qui, par définition, est du domaine de l'oral. Pour être tout à fait clair, je rappelle qu'un examen oral ne consiste pas à réciter un texte appris par coeur, encore moins à le lire, of course. Mais, même si je ne suis pas masochiste, il est néanmoins aussi clair que vous faites ce que vous voulez de mes conseils.

Intro :

I'm going to talk about the notion of spaces and exchanges. To begin, I am going to give a definition. The notion of spaces and exchanges defines the movement of persons, population or goods between countries. The different various spaces of the world are nowadays more and more connected to each other. An exchange is the act to give and to receive something else. The Exchanges can appear on many forms: people, trade, information. The interactions between people of various cultures and their exchanges have become easier. But it was not still the case. << Le rapport avec ce qui précède ?  The Immigration is linked to this notion as it implies the motion of legal and illegal people to other countries.

Thus we could wonder if is the American dream is still alive. << Le verbe "wonder" induit une interrogation indirecte.We will focus on the first case of immigration : « The Pilgrim Fathers » << Et alors, tu ne sais pas lire ? and the immigration in the XXth century with a study of Ellis Island.

In a first part we can include both documents which we are going to study in the theme in search of the American dream.

First, we studied a video document video entitled « origins of a festival ». << Rappel : dans 1 nom composé de nom + nom, celui qui qualifie l'autre et prend donc la fonction d'adjectif se place naturellement DEVANT. We have seen that in 1620, a group of people called the Pilgrims Fathers sailed from Plymouth in England across the Atlantic ocean on a ship called the Mayflower. They left England because of religious and politicals persecutions. << Adjectif = INVARIABLE ! After a 66 days trips-long voyage, they arrived on their new home qu'ils appellent << ??? New England. Indians helped them to survive, they showed them how to grow corn, go fishing, hunting and planting. During the next winter, many pilgrims died. Yet, in the spring, thanks to the Indians, they celebrated their first harvest by having a thanksgiving dinner with their friendly Indians. It was the first thanksgiving. Today, the date of thanksgiving is the fourth Thursday in November in the USA.They came in America with the hope of  a better life, they have had found << La concordance des temps, ça t'interpelle ? « the dream american »  of the time. << 2 fautes sur 2 mots, il faut le faire !

 

The second document is a picture in black and white of a family of immigrants, her names is Ellis island, the island of hope. << Tu ne te relis donc pas ? Cette phrase est une idiotie ! They belong << ??? probably to Ellis Island at the time of the photo. Ellis island is the island of hope. << Ça se passe de nos jours ? The family looks at the Statue of Liberty because it's the symbole of liberty. << Monsieur de Lapalisse ne l'aurait pas mieux dit !  We don't see their face, all immigrants can see themselves in this family. Ellis Isalnd is located on the Hudson river, next to liberty Isalnd in New York. At the turn of the twentieth century, many immigrants went through Ellis Island. They were fleeing from poverty, religious and political persecution so that's why the United States were was considered as a land of opportunity. On arrival at Ellis Island, passengers were checked and sorted out and they underwent medical tests. << Tu devrais quand même savoir que les USA, bien que constitués en une fédération de 50 états, sont considérés comme une seule et unique nation = verbe au singulier.

 

In a second part, we're talking about the immigrants' life.

The third document is an article appeared published in the New York Times of about José Vargas. He is an immigrant, he tells his story. He is from the Philippines and arrived in America when he was twelve years old and he lived to << ??? his grand parents. He came in America for a new life. When he was fourteen years old, he rode<< ??? his driving licence and he found out his green card was fake. Indeed his grand father purchased it to make believe that Vargas had the American citizenship. Vargas was undocumented, he live<< ??? in constant fear. << Quelle est donc la particularité de tout verbe au présent simple dont le sujet est au singulier ?

 

As a conclusion

The « American dream » is a term which originally referred to the belief that, in America, one could have access to fundamental liberties, climb the social ladder and achieve prosperity through hard work, courage and determination.

Today the american dream xxx << un verbe ? still alive If we consider the growing numbers of people who are ready to risk their lives trying to cross American borders so as to enter the USA. Illegally, or those who repeatedly subscribe to the government's annual lottery hoping to gt a green card to be able to work and make it in the USA, we can only acknowledge the fact that America is still considered as a promised land by millions of desperate ones all over the world. To the down-and-out Mexicans, to the needy Filipinos, to the world's have-nots, the USA is still an El Dorado where everything is possible.

However, I am well aware that a dream can also be an illusion. The USA's economic growth still enables a handful of lucky ones to achieve wealth, but for a few winners, how many losers?

Quitte à retourner le couteau dans la plaie, les seuls passages corrects sont ceux que tu as consciencieusement repiqués sur le net. D'énormes lacunes en grammaire que tu as tout intérêt à vite combler.

Quant au fond, beaucoup de blabla mais peu ou pas de véritable argumentation. Bonne chance quand même.