Starvol Posté(e) le 11 mars 2013 Signaler Posté(e) le 11 mars 2013 Bonjour tout le monde! Si quelqu'un pouvait m'aider, ce serait super! J'aimerais qu'on jette un petit coup d'oeil à mon texte et qu'on me signale les fautes, s'il-vous-plaît... Merci! J'ai une rédaction d'anglais à faire pour le lundi de la rentrée. Donc je vous explique: Le professeur nous a donné le schéma narratif qui est= Lieu: Jerusalem Ce que je faisais: Je grimpais à un arbre (je pensais que c'était une blague de la part du professeur mais non malheureusement ) Ce qui est arrivé: On m'a tiré dessus avec un fusil Mes sentiments: colère, envie de couper la tête de cet individu (si, si je vous jure!) Vous l'aurez compris, c'est une histoire sans aucun intérêt et la consigne est de rédiger un petit récit en mettant d'abord en place le cadre de l'histoire. Ensuite, l'élément qui vient tout perturber est que l'on me tire dessus. Donc j'ai fini de rédiger, et je peux vous dire que question imagination ce n'est pas glorieux, mais je n'avais pas le choix si je ne voulais pas que cela se transforme en bain de sang: I was in holidays in Jerusalem. It was a hot and sunny afternoon, and I was visiting the city. I had walked for about two hours. It was about six o'clock and I was very hungry and thirsty. I drank some water because I had taken a bottle in my bag, but infortunately, I didn't take any things to eat: I had forgotten to take them at the hotel. It was a very annoying situation: my hotel was very far from where I was, and, top it all, I had also forgotten to take some money... I hadn't a coin! (je n'avais pas une pièce) I didn't want to beg for money, so I decided to be patient and to continue to walk as far as the hotel. However, a few minutes later, I saw a big row of trees. They were very strange: there were lots of big apples on their branches, but also some little round placards (pancartes), which were made of wood. But, anyway, I was decided instantaneously to climb on one of these trees, in order to pick a few apples. I was very happy that my grandfather had taught to me how to climb. I didn't think that it would be useful one day (je ne pensais pas que cela serait utile un jour)! I was climbing slowly when I heard a big noise. Just after, I felt a terrible pain on my left leg: I was shot by a gun. I screamed. I was a little bit bleeding and I understood that it was a lead bullet (balle de plomb). I was reassured but it was nevertheless very painful! I came down from the tree and I searched the responsible. I was limping. I noticed that two little boys were coming towards me. They were both dressed up as cowboys and were laughing loudly. One of them was holding a big gun. He seemed having eight years (ou bien "he looked having eight years"? Pour dire= Il avait l'air d'avoir huit ans, ah cette phrase me bloque!) and his friend too. They told me that it was a game and that they were the best cowboys of the world. I was their enemy in their game! They also told me that the round placards on the trees were their usual shooting targets. I got absolutely furious. I wanted to cut their head (il faut bien que je trouve un endroit pour caller cette phrase...)! I shouted at them that they weren't the best cowboys of the world but the worst idiots, that I was very far from my hotel and that I was starving. I was getting more and more angry as they were laughing at me, and I shouted that it was very dangerous to play with a gun, even if the bullets were in lead. I asked them to bring me to their parents, in order to tell them that they were very irresponsible. The children were suddenly scared and apologized. They told me that they were really sorry and that they would never to that again, then, they gave me a bus ticket and a packet of cookies, in order to be forgiven. I remembered that I was completely exhausted and I calmed down. I told myself that they were still young and I forgave them. Finally, it wasn't so horrible to have met them! J'ai laborieusement terminé cette rédaction, et j'avoue que c'était avec mauvaise volonté que j'ai fait ça... Vraiment, comment voulez-vous que les élèves aiment l'anglais si les sujets de rédaction sont aussi... Bref, un grand (énorme) merci à ceux qui m'aideront à surmonter cette étape difficile où j'ai perdu foi en l'humanité...
E-Bahut Jean B Posté(e) le 11 mars 2013 E-Bahut Signaler Posté(e) le 11 mars 2013 Bonjour, Même dans " l'adversité ", je vois que tu ne perds pas le sens de l'humour. I was in on holidays / I was having a holiday / in Jerusalem. It was a hot and sunny afternoon and I was visiting the city. I had walked for about two hours. It was about six o'clock and I was very hungry and thirsty. I drank some water because I had taken a bottle in my bag but infortunately I hadn't taken anythings to eat: I had forgotten to take buy them a snack at the hotel. <un en-cas It was a very annoying situation: my hotel was very far from where I was and, top it all, I had also forgotten to take some money... I hadn't a coin penny/cent! <Il faut éviter les calques du français. I didn't want to beg for money, so I decided to be patient and to continue to walk / keep on walking as far as back to the hotel. However a few minutes later, I saw a big row of trees. They were very strange: there were lots of big apples on their branches, but also some little round wooden placards (pancartes), which were made of wood. But, anyway, I was instantly / instantaneously decided to climb on one of these trees in order to pick a few apples. <L'adverbe modifiant le sens du verbe se place devant celui-ci. I was very happy that my grandfather had taught to me how to climb. I didn't think that it would serve me / be useful one / day (je ne pensais pas que cela serait utile un jour)! I was climbing slowly when I heard a big noise. Just after, I felt a terrible pain on in my left leg: I was shot by a gun. I screamed. I was bleeding a little bit and I understood that it was a lead shot / bullet (balle de plomb). I was reassured but it was nevertheless very painful! I came down from the tree and I searched looked for the person responsible.< search = faire des recherches / fouiller qqch/qqn à corps. I was limping. I noticed that two little boys were coming towards me. They were both dressed up as cowboys and were laughing loudly. One of them was holding a big gun. He seemed having to be eight years old (ou bien "he looked having eight years"? Pour dire= Il avait l'air d'avoir huit ans, ah cette phrase me bloque!) and so did his friend too. <Aurais-tu oublié que l'âge s'exprime avec be, pas avec have ? They told me that it was a game and that they were the best cowboys of in the world. I was their enemy in their game! They also told me that the round placards on the trees were their usual shooting targets. I got absolutely furious. I wanted to cut their heads (il faut bien que je trouve un endroit pour caller cette phrase...)!<Contrairement au français, l'anglais met au pluriel un complément possédé par 2 ou plusieurs sujets. C'est à mémoriser. I shouted at them that they weren't the best cowboys of in the world but the worst idiots, that I was very far from my hotel and that I was starving. I was getting more and more angry as they were laughing at me and I shouted that it was very dangerous to play with a gun, even if the bullets were in lead / small shot. < du petit plomb I asked them to bring me to their parents in order to tell them that they were very irresponsible. The children were suddenly scared and apologized. They told me that they were really sorry and that they would never do that again. Nouvelle phrase> Then they gave me a bus ticket and a packet of cookies in order to be make themselves forgiven.<La tournure pronominale française "se faire pardonner" se rend par make + pronom réfléchi + V-EN (verbe au participe passé) I remembered that I was completely exhausted and I calmed down. I told myself that they were still young and I forgave them. Finally, it wasn't so horrible to have met them! En général, tu as tendance à abuser des virgules. Bref, un grand (énorme) merci à ceux qui m'aideront à surmonter cette étape difficile où j'ai perdu foi en l'humanité... <N'exagère pas à la façon des Marseillais tout de même ! Et note que, peu importe le sujet au fond, cet exercice est destiné à tester à la fois ton esprit créatif et ta maîtrise de l'anglais écrit.
Starvol Posté(e) le 11 mars 2013 Auteur Signaler Posté(e) le 11 mars 2013 Bon, question créativité, on ne peut pas dire que c'est gagné... J'avais tout d'abord pensé à mettre en scène des terroristes (avec de vraies armes pour le coup ^^) mais je ne sais pas comment j'aurais conclu le récit autrement que par la mort du narrateur... Si vous aviez vu la tête des élèves quand le professeur nous a dit qu'il faudrait caser "I wanted to cut their heads"... J'attends impatiemment le sujet de la prochaine rédaction! C'est fou de voir à quel point il y avait beaucoup de fautes... je tremble à l'idée de ce que le professeur aurait eu si vous ne m'aviez pas aidé ... Un énorme merci JRB pour vos corrections et tous vos conseils! ******************************************************************************************************************************************** Message fusionné Posté aujourd'hui, 17:07 Une dernière question: dans votre correction, il y a: I searched looked for the person responsible. Est-ce normal que "person" soit placé avant "responsible"? Oui et je m'attendais à ta question. Est-ce que ça ne devrait pas être l'inverse? Ou bien est-ce une exception? À ma connaissance, c'est une exception en effet. Merci!My pleasure!
Starvol Posté(e) le 11 mars 2013 Auteur Signaler Posté(e) le 11 mars 2013 Tiens, intéressant... Comme quoi il n'y a pas qu'en français qu'on trouve des tournures saugrenues! Merci pour tout!
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