Correction D'un Travail

[dellina]

Bonjour à tous voilà j'ai bien pris conscience de tes remarques, de tout ce que tu as écrit et j'ai essayer de refaire un travail en applicant l'ensemble des recettes que tu m'as transmise j'espère que je l'ai est bien appliquées

Once open a time the world.

Composed of 226 countries , seven continents ,and five oceans, it knows a lot of pains.

Nowadays , the world live under blast, sticks up ,hurricines, and pandemics .

Nevertheless, it carry on his progress under scream and anguish .

One day, the 11 september the world exploded in the american continent , those flames , those tears and this blood will stay engraved in our memories .

Some days after, near the tall tower I find a letter , I opened it and I read:

My name is Jena, I have 12 years old , and I'm a miraculously saed . I was here when thoses bombs exploded , when my dad and my mum died under my eyes .

Shocked , and traumatized I became lunatic.Four years encloded under those bars ,near this white room and those greyish walls.

Then a cold morning of winter ,I squated on fire place and I lost consciousness.

During this indisposition I did a gorgeous dream .

I was near thoses towers and suddendly , a creature appeared in the cloud sky .

His eyes shined of lights , he was brawny such an athlete . His hair of ebony fell in his shoulders . He was tall, strongly ,just perfect.

By his muscles he took away me, far ,above in the sky.

I didn't know neither his name , neither his identity,but it was like I know him since long time .

Of a sudden magic wand , he reconstructed the twin towers, I was amazed.

It was more than a dream ,it was a miracle .

He changed to a balas and swept New York such a fairy tale . Those boys became princes, dukes and kings.

They stroked hairs of those american bombs which danced in the street of the big apple.

I didn't know where i was, if I was died , if I was alive but I was happy.

At last , this unknown, this beautiful hearth , this angel showed me some countries of the world like the city of lights then the country of sun.

Under the moonlight , he put his hand in my eyes and there he disappeared .

All of a sudden, I woke up of this sound sleep and I screamed " help me , Magical unknow,,...."

The guards bound me and until the end I stayed in love with and lunatic of the magical unknow .

This young women is died but she learn us a thing. World has been built, and humains destroy it every day . Help it like Magical unknow in order that he still healthy, fine and whitout harms , cause same for the wicked like the nice it is precious in everybody 's hearts.

[whysoserious]

Bonjour, je ne sais pas si tu désires encore de l'aide, mais je lisais ton texte et ne peux m'empêcher de faire une ou deux remarques, après tout, nous sommes là pour ça ^^

Tout d'abord, fais bien attention au "s" à la troisième personne du singulier (ex :" the world liveS" et non pas "the world live"). Il y a ensuite des fautes de vocabulaire, on dit "once upon a time" (voilà l'erreur qui a attiré mon attention). Pour finir, un petit problème de ponctuation, cela manque un peu de virgules, de points virgules pour aérer... ^^

Des fautes de français, également, attention être/avoir !

En espérant que mon commentaire te servira à toi ou à d'autres

Tu peux essayer de corriger toutes ces petites fautes, ça ne ferait pas de mal