Dream Your Dream (suite Et Fin)

[Fiona766]

Bonjour voici la suite et fin de mon histoire. Vos corrections m'ont toujours aidé, merci par avance. Dites-moi surtout si vous pensez qu'il y a des longueurs ou des répétitions...Merci. Fiona.

Later*, the band stopped on a Rennes' wasteland in Brittany.

In this early evening they had a perfomance, there were lots of* people, the audience and the band were satisfied.

When the band returned to their caravans to celebrate their success, they were seeing a policeman.

- 'Give me you identity cards, Please!' The policeman asked abrutly

- 'Is there a problem?' Merce said

- 'You can't stay here, don't you know?' He replied. 'There was a robbery in the city centre and I must control' He said

The Artists were ill-at-ease, Mary didn't feel good, her first contractions were starting. It was all a panic! William explained the sergeant that they couldn't leave this place* tonight because her friend expected a baby and she didn't fell good.

-'I don't like to know nothing of it!' The policeman said loudly

-'Listen! She's shouting for pain' William replied.

-'I'm sorry, but you will be obliged to go out tomorrow morning, Bye!' The policeman said

The policeman left the wasteland and joined his colleagues. At the police station the sergeant asked him if he had an idea about the culpapility of an artist of the band. The policeman said he had no idea, the best way to know would be to se the surveillance video.

The day after, the band had a performance with success. Nevertheless an unpleasant surprise awaited them. The police were on the scene.

-'What's happening? Is there a problem?' William asked.

- 'Indeed' the sergeant answered in a loud voice.

- ' you have no right to be here!!' He said

-'Why?' the guitarist asked.

-'Pack up and leave immediately' The serageant ordered.

-'But...'

-'It is an order!' the policeman roared

-'We cannot leave tonight. It's impossible' William replied, trying to remain calm.

-'You must be joking!' The sergeant exclaimed.

-Listen Sir, this woman is about to have her baby. We can't take any risks' Fred said, one of the percussionists.

-'It is not my problem!' the man in uniform answered.

Suddently, Marie falls on the ground with a shout of pain.

-'You are a monster! Some day you will pay for this' Mad with rage, William roared at the policeman.

- 'I will return tomorrow morning and I want this place cleared' He eventually said.

- 'Thank you. It is too kind of you' William murmured.

Some hours later, the young singer went to the Hospital of Rennes. Marie gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. So the artits settled down in the city until their friend could leave the hospital.

Some days later, the band took to the road again to continue the tour. But the sergant went to the crime scene at once.

-'Do you have an idea of who the culprit is?' his colleagu asked.

- 'Possibly, I'm in charge of the ivestigation' He answered.

-'I'm coming with you.

Before going to the scene, both men were in the headquarter to view the surveillance video. In spite of the bad quality of the image, they recognized the police captain, once a thief.

-'The robber is the leader or the clown's gang whom I tranferred the other evening! I was right to distrust him' the policeman said.

-'It is necessary to find this hooligan before he escapes' He added

-'At once, boss'

A little later, the telephone rang at the police headquarters.

-'A person saw our man approximatively 5 hours ago..' The policeman said.

This man was arrested. But the policeman arrested William too, because the man and william looked the same.

-'But what's going on?, it's a joke or what? William asked infuriated.

-'Sir, plesae follow us, in the name of the law, you're under arrest' a police officer said

William was alone in in the police station. Inside the room there were a table. Another man entered the room. The man sat down on a chair. William couldn't believe his eyes.

The police captain examined both men.

William was inquiet. When he ran his hand through his hair, at the same moment, the other man did the same movement. William realised he had a twin-brother. William's twin-brother seemed nervous.

The police captain saw on the surveillance video a man who had a beauty spot above his lips. William had not one, the other man had one.

William had just dicovered he had a brother or a look-alike. He was disturbed, so he got permission to talk with his double.

-'Who are you? William said

-'My name is Stephan, and you?' the man answered.

-'I'm William, What do you do in life? william asked.

-'I'm unemployement, I go from cities to cities in search of something that I don't know'* Stephan said sadly.

-'Do you know who are your parents, because I'm an orphan man and you look like me so much!' William asked.

-'I don't know. My adoptive family has never talked to me about my roots' He said

-'Hum..Okay! When were you born? William asked

-'I was born on February the 29th of 1980' Stephan asked.

William looked down and took his head in his hands, he had undertood that Stephan was his twin-brother. They were not aware of each existence.

After a long time William was free. Before leaving and joining his band he murmured 'I will help you my brother..'

Stephan smiled.

Stephan was fined 20 euros for having stealing. Then he joined William and his band.

*J'ai mis 'later', je voulais mettre quelque temps plus tard, quels sont les synonymes? At a later time?

*Lots of people or many people?

*They couln't to another place. Est-bon également?

*'in search of something that I ignore' Est-ce correct?

[Jean B]

Bonjour Fiona,

Some time later*( ), the band stopped on a Rennes<'> wasteland in Brittany.

In this early evening they had a performance, there were lots of* people, the audience and the band were satisfied.

When the band returned to their caravans to celebrate their success, they were <seeing>approached by a policeman.< Si tu souhaites employer une tournure passive, c'est be conjugué + participe passé du verbe et non présent.

- 'Give me you identity cards, Please!' The policeman asked abruptly/sharply.

- 'Is there a problem?' Merce said.

- 'You can't stay here, don't you know?' He replied. 'There was a robbery in the city centre and I must control' He said

The Artists were ill-at-ease, Mary didn't feel <good> well, her first contractions were starting. It was all a panic! William explained the sergeant that they couldn't leave this place* tonight because her friend expected a baby and she didn't feel

good.<Attention, BV après l'auxiliaire.

-'I don't <like> want to know <nothing of> about it!' the policeman said loudly.

-'Listen! She's shouting for pain' William replied.

-'I'm sorry, but you will be obliged to go out tomorrow morning, Bye!' The policeman said.

The policeman left the wasteland and joined his colleagues. At the police station the sergeant asked him if he had an idea about the <culpapility> guilt of an artist of the band. The policeman said he had no idea, the best way to know would be to see the surveillance video.

The day after, the band <had a performance> performed <with> successfully. Nevertheless an unpleasant surprise awaited them. The police were on the scene.

-'What's happening? Is there a problem?' William asked.

- 'Indeed' the sergeant answered in a loud voice.

- ' you have no right to be here!!' He said

-'Why?' the guitarist asked.

-'Pack up and leave immediately' The sergeant ordered.

-'But...'

-'It is an order!' the policeman roared

-'We cannot leave tonight. It's impossible' William replied, trying to remain calm.

-'You must be joking!' The sergeant exclaimed.

-Listen Sir, this woman is about to have her baby. We can't take any risks' Fred said, one of the percussionists.

-'It is not my problem!' the man in uniform answered.

Suddently, Marie falls on the ground with a shout of pain.

-'You are a monster! Some day you will pay for this' Mad with rage, William roared at the policeman.

- 'I will return tomorrow morning and I want this place cleared' He eventually said.

- 'Thank you. It is too kind of you' William murmured.

Some hours later, the young singer went to the Hospital of Rennes. Marie gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. So the artists settled down in the city until their friend could leave the hospital.

Some days later, the band took to the road again to continue the tour. But the sergeant went to the crime scene at once.

-'Do you have an idea of who the culprit is?' his colleagu asked.

- 'Possibly, I'm in charge of the investigation' He answered.

-'I'm coming with you.

Before going to the scene, both men were in the headquarter to view the surveillance video. In spite of the bad quality of the image, they recognized the police captain, once a thief.

-'The robber is the leader of the clown's gang whom I tranferred the other evening! I was right to distrust him' the policeman said.

-'It is necessary to find this hooligan before he escapes' He added

-'At once, boss'

A little later, the telephone rang at the police headquarters.

-'A person saw our man approximatively 5 hours ago..' The policeman said.

This man was arrested. But the policeman arrested William too, because the man and William looked the same.

-'But what's going on?, it's a joke or what? William asked infuriated.

-'Sir, plesae follow us, in the name of the law, you're under arrest' a police officer said

William was alone in the police station. Inside the room there <were> was a table. Another man entered the room. The man sat down on a chair. William couldn't believe his eyes.

The police captain examined both men.

William was <inquiet> worried. When he ran his hand through his hair, at the same moment, the other man did the same movement. William realised he had a twin-brother. William's twin-brother seemed nervous.

The police captain saw on the surveillance video a man who had a beauty spot above his lips. William had not <one> any, the other man had one.

William had just discovered he had a brother or a look-alike. He was disturbed, so he got permission to talk with his double.

-'Who are you? William said

-'My name is Stephan, and you?' the man answered.

-'I'm William, What do you do in life? William asked.

-'I'm unemployed, I go from cities to cities in search of something that I don't know'* Stephan said sadly.

-'Do you know who <are> your parents are,< Car c'est une question indirecte because I'm an orphan <man> and you look like me so much!' William asked.

-'I don't know. My adoptive family has never talked to me about my roots' He said

-'Hum..Okay! When were you born? William asked

-'I was born on February the 29th, <of> 1980' Stephan <asked> answered.

William looked down and took his head in his hands, he had undertood that Stephan was his twin-brother. They were not aware of each other's existence.

After a long time William was free. Before leaving and joining his band he murmured 'I will help you my brother..'

Stephan smiled.

Stephan was fined 20 euros for <having> stealing. Then he joined William and his band.

*J'ai mis 'later', je voulais mettre quelque temps plus tard, quels sont les synonymes? At a later time? = Some time later.

*Lots of people or many people? = idem, kif kif, igual, misma cosa, pareil !

*They couln't to another place. Est-bon également? = Non. Sans verbe après le modal, ça n'a aucun sens !

*'in search of something that I ignore' Est-ce correct? = Oui.

* Primo et sauf erreur, j'ai déjà lu et corrigé ce texte quelque part et ça me chagrine.

Deuxio, et à partir de la scène du commissariat, tout est confus, on se perd dans tes personnages, on ne sait plus qui est qui. Revois ça. A un moment donné, il m'a même semblé comprendre que le capitaine de police était un voleur...

A toi de voir.

[Fiona766]

Bonjour monsieur,

Par rapport à mon texte, j'avais déjà mis une petite partie du dialogue et c'est vous qui m'aviez apporté conseils sur le temps et les codes du dialogue.

Je vais relire mon texte, si vous lisez qu'un policier a commis un vol, je souhaitais que l'intrigue et le rebondissement soit marqués par le frère jumeaux.

Je crains que ce ne soit confus. je relis et vous en parle. Merci Fiona.